I was born and raised in the St. Joseph catechism. As children we were focused on dogma. Who is God? Why did God make me? These have been the essential questions of my life going all the way back to Release Time. Every Wednesday, the public school kids would make their way to the local Catholic school for catechism class seeking the answers. I used dogma to get me through a difficult childhood. It gave me comfort, hope, and direction when I needed it. I would spend many lonely Sundays in church looking up at an Old Man who was looking down at me from Heaven. I said many prayers asking Him for salvation. It never came, but I continued to hold out hope that He would answer me now or later. I have come to realize that those prayers were an effort to control God. If I you do this, I’ll do that. “Thy will be done” was difficult to say because I wanted results. Que sera`, sera` gave me no consolation because it didn’t work for me either.

As an adult, I lost faith in dogma. Three of the most important events in my spiritual journey were the Marriage Encounter, the Diaconate and the 12 Steps. I got involved in Marriage Encounter which opened me to the world of feelings. I found a new passion for the Lord. Those were the days of the folk mass and “Kumbaya, Lord!!” I went on directed retreats trying to find myself. At the same time Angelo Roncalli opened the windows of Saint Peter’s to let in fresh air of the Second Vatican Council. In the aftermath of the Council, the Church brought back the Diaconate. I was enrolled in the first class in my diocese. It was there that I learned Lectio Divina and how to meditate. As happens in the Church, there is always political intrigue. My pastor used the powers of Church to have me removed from the program by calling my candidacy divisive. I was angry and resentful. In retaliation, I moved away from the Church. I began seeking a deeper spiritually. I found the 12 Steps to recovery. I came to believe that God “as I understood God” could and would, if I let him, free me from the addiction of co-dependency. I took the road less traveled. In a rehearsal studio on 57th Street in Manhattan I found Joseph Campbell, Robert Bly and Michael Meade. Through recovery, I had become my new self.

One day while on a journaling retreat I ducked into the Men’s Room between sessions. While standing close to the wall, I was concentrating on the problem in hand. Then I heard a voice over my shoulder. It wasn’t the thundering voice of Moses’ God telling me to take my shoes off because I was standing on holy ground. But, it spoke with authority. “We have a deep and abiding relationship,” he said. I lost my concentration and felt indisposed. “Couldn’t you pick a better time or place?” I asked. “What?” He answered, “I know you! I saw you formed in your mother’s womb!” I washed my hands and left for the next session of the journaling retreat. Little did I realize that His voice was setting me up for what was to come. I don’t remember exactly what happened next because I was reduced to tears, but I knew He loved me.

I heard the same voice when I was driving to a mens’ meeting in the city. It was a nice spring Sunday afternoon. I had decided to take the 59th Street Bridge instead of the Midtown Tunnel to avoid the tolls. I was driving through the warehouse district of Long Island City. The streets were deserted and void of traffic. As I came to an intersection, I heard His voice again. “Watch out for the side street!” As I put my foot on the break, a car blew the Stop sign doing 60 mph. “Thank you, Lord!!”

Over the years we have had many more moments together. Sometime it’s fun watching the Lord work in my life. Sometimes it hurts. When I struggled for five years as an excessed teacher not knowing where my next class was coming, I knew the Lord was working out the details. At other times I wasn’t so sure. “What were you thinking?” I would ask him. “With friends like you, who needs enemies!!!” I would admonish Him. “You do have funny sense of humor! Why am I not laughing?” I would tell Him. “Beam me up Scotty, there’s no intelligent life on this planet!!!” I would implore Him. But, more often then not it’s been, “Grant me the serenity to accept…” And, “Thy will be done, Amen.” I’m still working on Que sera`, sera.`

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FCM member Rev. Anthony Di Bartolo is a retired high school teacher, interfaith minister, wedding officiant, Reiki Master, and a Fifth Dan Black Belt in Aikido.